In the final guest blog from our brace of comedians, Tom Parry is sending a direct appeal to the star of South Africa, Paul The Psychic Octopus. Here’s what Tom has to say…
“I’d like to ask Paul The Octopus to make one more prediction before he sadly retires now that events have drawn to a close in South Africa. The German sea creature shot to fame after not only predicting the correct outcome of all of Germany’s games but also correctly predicting that Spain would, somewhat inevitably, win the World Cup on Sunday night’s dirge of a final.
But the prediction I would really like the marine based oracle to make may be a tough one to communicate by simply lifting the lid off small perspex boxes. You see, I’d like Paul to predict what the future of our beautiful game looks like. What, oh wise Octopus, is going to happen to football in the future?
As an event the World Cup seemed to be a real success: it was well organised, there was no trouble with supporters and when the much predicted security problem finally did arrive, it was nothing more than a tragic Dutch fan running onto the pitch in a desperate attempt to put an orange woolly hat on the World Cup trophy.
The coverage back here at home has been terrific, apart from that one semi-final where, over on ITV, poor Clive Tildsley had to commentate for an entire game on his own, after his co-anchor fell ill. It made for a strange, surreal hour and a half of one man talking to himself. By the end it was like he was going slightly mad, asking and then answering his own questions in a way that made him sound like he had dementia.
And then there were the vuvuzela’s. Isn’t it going to be strange when the new season starts and suddenly we’re watching football again without it being accompanied by a constant drone. I say strange, what I mean is bloody lovely!
But at this World Cup it is the events on the pitch that raise quite a few questions, and it is regarding these that I turn to Paul The All Knowing Octopus.
When, oh wise sea creature, will video technology be brought into play so that referee blunders can be minimised and the scenes that marred the end of the World Cup final, where several Dutch players continued to remonstrate with Howard Webb about the obvious corner that he had just missed, be avoided. Why couldn’t Frank Lampard’s goal been confirmed in a matter of seconds by referring to a fourth official? When will FIFA realise that the game is too big now, too important to leave it down to human error?
And while we’re at it Paul, what can be done to change the manner in which our world class footballers conduct themselves on the pitch? What kind of a future does this sport have when it appears that every player, to a man, is prepared to cheat, dive and feign injury? Footballers are in danger of losing all credibility as sportsmen if they continue to play with such dishonesty. Something should be done here, fines and bans should be administered retrospectively a bit like in Formula One, and if a player is caught on camera taking a dive, clutching the wrong part of his body after a collision, or massively over-reacting to a tiny shove, they should be banned from the next game. It wouldn’t be difficult to enforce.
And Paul. while you’re at it mate, please tell me they’re not going to make the ball any lighter in the future? Because if they are we may need to attach it to a string so that it doesn’t float away. What a strange decision to create such a difficult ball for the showcase of the greatest sport on earth.
Right then Paul answers on a postcard please. You’ve got four years to get back to me. Oh and one more thing… when will the England team learn to be able to pass the ball like Spain?
Cheers, Tom.”
Let’s hope Paul gets back to you on this one Tom! Thanks again to Mr. Parry for contributing these guest blogs over the past few weeks – if you want to find out more about what Tom and his comedy sketch troupe Pappy’s are up to, check out their website for news and tour dates.
